Losing Grams

It felt like I had just gone to sleep.

My mind was still racing, thinking about what a great 10th birthday Avery had.

At midnight when the phone rang, it got my heart racing.

We've had those middle of the night calls before.

But she's always been ok.  And in my heart, I knew that any call could be the one.  

You can't ever prepare for that call.

My Dad sounded different.

Scared.

He told me that the ambulance had just taken her from the house.

They thought she had a stroke and that it didn't look good.

He was on his way to meet them at the hospital and would call again when he knew more.

I hung up the phone shaking.

Mark woke up and asked what was going on.

I told him I thought it was "that" call.

I didn't really know what to do.  I guessed I would just wait until he called back with more information.  It wasn't like I was just down the road and could meet them there....I'm about 6 hours away.  I tried to go back to sleep, but just cried, cursed the bad luck of her health, tossed and turned until the phone rang again a couple of hours later.

It was my Dad again.

"They don't think she's going to make it.  You should try and get over here."

It was the middle of the night.

I hopped in the shower, went to the school to do sub plans and then debated about waiting for the girls to wake up before I left.  I didn't know what I would tell them, and Mark talked me in to just going.  He would have a conversation with them in the morning.  

So I got in the car and started driving.

I had a lot of time to think.
I thought about so much during that drive.
I didn't really want to believe that her life could be over at just 67 years old.
I thought about all she had given me.....
she taught me how to be a Mom,
how to be strong and brave--even when I didn't believe I could be,
she believed in me and she was so proud of me,
and she taught me how important it is to tell people these things.
I learned this because she told me often.
Plus so, so, so much more.

When I finally arrived in Spokane I knew that they were just keeping her breathing until I could be there to say goodbye. There was no brain activity.  She had suffered 2 strokes.  The second had bled into her brain stem.  She looked so peaceful.  My Dad, Sister and her boyfriend, Niece, Aunt (mom's sister) and Uncle were all there.   We each had time to say goodbye.  We held my Mom's hand and created a circle.  We were there to watch her take her final breath.  It's a moment I will never forget. Ever.

We decided to postpone her Celebration of Life until later in the summer.
(More on this later in the blog.....)

I am so sad.  Like a deep, deep sadness I've never experienced.
I'm so lucky to have had a Mom like her.
But I miss her so very much and I think about her every single day.